It’s not exactly news that this year’s primary candidates for California governor have largely left us wanting. Democrats are underwhelmed. Leftists are cringing at the possibility of a billionaire being their best bet (the fact that he’s the only one willing to tax his peers is hard to overlook). At the same time, high early voting turnout by Republicans across the state means a MAGA-supported, Trump-endorsed British toad might actually land the No. 2 spot in the primary, behind current frontrunner Xavier Becerra.
If there’s a feeling in the air, it’s one of resignation.
You would think, perhaps, that the Democratic establishment might ask themselves why — from one end of the country to the other — people are starting to turn their backs on spineless mouthpieces for capital (might we also recommend a book on the matter?). Why an ex-Marine who, until recently, had a Nazi tattoo feels like the best hope for Black Mainers, or why socialists in California are preparing to hold their noses and vote for a former hedge fund CEO? We know this kind of introspection is beyond party leaders, but if consequence is what they need, then we suspect consequence is what they are about to get.
In these desperate times, we need a hero.
Which leads us to a creature who does fit the description of a true leader. In January, a coyote was spotted swimming to Alcatraz Island, home of the infamous former federal penitentiary. Sopping wet and panting, he hauled himself to shore and instantly became a legend as the first such canid seen on the Rock. Despite skeptics’ disbelief that he wouldn’t survive, the coyote’s been eating well, making do with what wildlife is available on the 22-acre island.
At first, experts presumed he swam 1.5 miles from San Francisco. But DNA evidence gathered from his poo found otherwise: The coyote wasn’t a city boy after all — he had actually swum from Angel Island, 2 miles away.
“We couldn’t help being impressed by his accomplishment in making it to Alcatraz,” park service wildlife ecologist Bill Merkle said in a press release. “Coyotes are known to be resilient and adaptable, and he certainly demonstrated those qualities.”
Can the same be said of any of these gubernatorial candidates? We think not.
The Alcatraz coyote has other qualities that would make him a fine leader: he thinks and acts independently, defies norms, is ambitious, and makes the best out of what's in front of him. He uses his skills to survive and resist a system stacked against him (and the rest of us). He’s smart in the most utilitarian and least pretentious of ways, but he’s still read the communist manifesto. And he’s not afraid to show his teeth.
Famously, coyotes are often seen as tricksters. But we posit that there is the right kind of trickster (smart, wily, surprising) and the wrong kind (corrupt liars who make promises they have no intention of keeping). Coyotes are clearly the former and thus have our vote.
The answer is clear. The best candidate is also the strongest swimmer. The candidate least likely to launch a podcast that platforms transphobes. COYOTE’s first official political endorsement is for the scrappy loner, the people’s governor, the Alcatraz coyote, who is — official slogan? — Somehow, Actually, Not the Worst Choice.
