This year, the California voter’s guide landed with a notably loud and chonkerous thud on the tables of the state’s electorate. Inside is a lengthy list of 61 politicos, cranks, and other randos vying for the hottest seat in Sacramento, either because they’re aiming for greatness or want to involve the Golden State’s 27 million voters in their public humiliation kink. (I do not consent!)
How do we make sense of it all? Sure, we can go beyond the vague and sometimes unsettling statements in the voter’s guide and dig into people’s records, but some of the candidates in here have never held public office for a single minute of their lives. We can spend hours reading through some of the scandals, controversies, and gaffes that have surfaced in recent months, or look up what each one stands on policies like the billionaire tax, public healthcare, or divestment from Israel.
But what about the gut? We’re supposed to listen to that, right? Famously, during the 2000 American presidential election, multiple polls asked voters which of the two main candidates they’d prefer to have a beer with. That question? Sexist, irrelevant, boring.
Instead, I’m going to use what I know of these candidates and my years of engaging with the Dungeons & Dragons universe to suss out what their classes would be.
Barack D. Obama Shaw (D)
With an endorsement by the Alameda Theatre and a family history of musicianship, Shaw could be a shoe-in for the Bard class. He legally changed his name from Cecil L. Shaw III in 2013 after having an “inspired vision” regarding the former President — and certainly, there’s a level of name-dropping (and tan suit-wearing) that seems integral to his campaign. He could run the Stolen Valor or Disguise Self enchantment as a Bard, too. But I hate to say it: The charisma points just aren’t there. He’s a Wizard — School of Illusion, of course.
Chad Bianco (R)
One of the two Republican front-runners for this race, Bianco has been Riverside County sheriff since 2019 and has a very clear value proposition here: Cops, cops, cops! He’s promised to bring law and order to a state gone to the woke dogs, and is also a former member of the far-right Oath Keepers, so the stereotypically rigid, by-the-book Paladin would make sense here. That said, his endorsement of felon Donald Trump in the 2024 presidential election could put him at odds with that class. (Literally, he said, “It’s time we put a felon in the White House.”) Alternately, I could see him as a Ranger whose Favored Enemy is racial minorities.
Xavier Becerra (D)
Front-runner Becerra has been in or adjacent to power since approximately the Mesozoic era. He’s a former California AG, former HHS Secretary, and a guy who has shaken so many hands that his grip strength must be genuinely alarming. To get to the front (and survive the onslaught of attacks from your opponents), you’ve got to be at least a little tanky. He’s best suited for the Fighter, as a Battle Master. He wasn’t doing so hot for a while, but as soon as alleged sex pest Eric Swalwell bit the dust, Becerra found his Second Wind and ducked, dodged, and Maneuvered his way to the top of the polls.
LivingForGod AndCountry DeMott (No party preference)
Dude is absolutely one of those sovereign citizen guys. Monk.
Katie Porter (D)
Porter, the former House Rep also known as She of the Whiteboard, comes into the race with plenty of progressive political bona fides and a platform centered on affordability. But a few rightward shuffles (on the billionaire tax, minimum wage increases, and overtime for ag workers) have alienated lefty voters, placing her at the bottom of the top five candidates in several polls. She’s very much a politician, ruled by intellect and discourse, and watched like a hawk for signs of betrayal. For that reason, I think she’s a Rogue, and definitely with a proficiency in Investigation over Stealth. Can’t do much sneaking with a minivan.
Steve Hilton (R)
Hilton, an actual super-Tory who worked under former British Prime Minister David Cameron, moved to California in 2012 to do Silicon Valley-type stuff, eventually pursuing a fellowship at Stanford’s conservative think tank, the Hoover Institution. While marinating in that tank, he gained the very Bri’ish-style confidence in his ability to govern a colony — albeit a former one. His leapfrogging into power, aided by an unholy pact with Rupert Murdoch and the MAGA pantheon, makes him a Warlock. In place of saying anything of true substance, he likes to SPAM his catchphrase, “Great jobs, great homes, great kids,” with the persistence of a Warlock hoping to Eldritch Blast his way to victory.
Tom Steyer (D)
Mr. Billionaire, also known as the guy a lot of leftists are really embarrassed about voting for, is definitely a Druid. His willingness to spend truckloads of money on environmental advocacy and climate change policy make this an easy pick, though it’s not especially druidic to quietly fund influencer campaigns. As a billionaire, I bet he’s in his fair share of weird and exclusive clubs, so let’s say he’s a Circle of the Land Druid, specifically. According to the 5th Edition handbook, “These druids meet within sacred circles of trees or standing stones to whisper primal secrets in Druidic.” Sounds like some Bohemian Grove shit!
Soleil Ho is a cultural critic, cookbook writer, and food journalist who has a nasty habit of founding media projects instead of going to therapy: from the feminist literary magazine Quaint to food podcast Racist Sandwich to our dear COYOTE.
